The Slasher Movie Encyclopedia: Friday The 13th [2009]
We start off with a brilliant, black &
white re-telling of the fate of the original cast of campers from
Friday The 13th. Mrs. Voorhees loses her head via the
blade of a machete, while Jason watches on from the bushes. Despite
the fact she isn't living anymore, Jason still hears the commands of
his mother. Kill for her. Punish them.
We flash forward to the present day
where a jolly group of campers are arriving at Camp Crystal Lake for
a night of all things family-friendly. Oh, but ah-ha! In fact it's a
night of debauchery, and in fact, two of the campers are actually here
to find a large stash of weed that's growing some where. Once they
set up camp, we get the always classic 'someone knows about the
legend of Jason and tells everyone' to set the mood. Whitney and her
boyfriend head off in search of adventure, while the other 3 hang
back. It doesn't take long before the remaining couple decide to engage in some amorous activity, and tell the third wheel, Miles, to
get lost. He heads the advice, and just so happens to find the weed.
Unfortunately, he also finds Jason. It's a pretty great first
impression, as he's shrouded in darkness, seemingly lifeless, then
goes from zero-to-FUCKED in a nano-second, completely rushing Wade
and enveloping him in death like a hurricane.
Soon after, Richie & Amanda are
having a time in the tent, when they suspect Wade is out there
watching. Naturally, since Amanda is the one who cares about this,
she sends Richie out. I mean, c'mon, she was rubbing herself with
baby-oil behind Wade's back for crying out loud! Now she's gonna care
that he's watching shadow porn? Pish-tosh. So, Richie heads out soon
finds what's left of Wade, he rushes back to save Amanda, but it's
too late. Jason pulled her from the tent and then baked her inside
her fireproof sleeping bag, and negating any chance Wade had of saving
her by setting a bear trap, which stripped the flesh off his ankle.
Else where in the world of “having a
bad time”, Whitney and Mike are exploring a few old cabins on
Crystal Lake when Jason shows up to be the world's worst third-wheel.
He begins pushing the machete through the floor boards, cutting up
Michael before pulling him down into hell. Whitney escapes back to
the camp site, only to find Jason has been a major bummer all over.
She finds Richie stuck in the bear trap, who's still going with his
plan of “screaming like a sissy” in hopes it will fix the
problem. However, it hasn't. Whitney attempts to help him, but like
an absolute bad-ass, Jason is standing in the shadows, waiting, as if
to say “I'm absolutely going to make this worse, but let's wait a
tic”. Whitney is unaware, but then quickly warned of Jason's
presence as he DRIVES A MACHETE INTO RICHIE'S SKULL. It's so simple,
but so completely awesome. Hell, if I were Richie and saw this coming
my last words would have been
“HolycrapherehecomesTAKEAPICTUREWHENIDIEANDPOSTITONFACEBO---”THUNK.
We fast forward 6 weeks a fresh faced
group of college kids out for the weekend at their friend Trent's
parent's lake house. They stop at a gas station and run into a cat
named Clay, who's out looking for his sister Whitney. All the classic
slasher characters are here; the stoners, Chewie & Lawrence, the
super-sexually active couple; Chelsea & Nolan, the hot girl
people wanna bone, Bree, the virginal sweet girl that's hot, Jenna,
and the hardcore asshole, Trent.
Trent establishes his role immediately,
as he's a complete jerk to Clay, who's just out looking for his lost
sister. Seriously, if Clay had a cat with him, Trent would have put
it in a rear-naked choke and ignored the cat's tap-out.
The guys head out to the cabin, while
Clay searches high & low around Camp Crystal Lake. He stops at
one such house where he meets what I can only assume is Crazy Ralph's
wife. She tells Clay in no uncertain terms that his sister is dead,
and that people who come around these parts and don't know where to
walk end up missing. She's the Prophet of Doom of sorts, without
really just coming out and saying it. After this rousing meet &
greet, he happens upon a barn where a very classy gentleman is
working with the wood chipper. It's a no go with his sister, once
again. He finally ends up at Trent's cabin, where Jenna feels sorry
about him and the way Trent has acted, so she heads out with him to
search the cabins. Meanwhile, her friends Chelsea & Nolan head
down to the lake to boat around.
Elsewhere, the classy gentleman who was
once working the wood chipper is now sipping Earl Grey Tea, and perusing Popular Science while thinking about how to contribute to
the cure of the world's ills. Crap, that was a typo, I meant he was
smoking pot while licking pages of a Hustler magazine as he talked
dirty to them. He soon breaks a cardinal rule as he heads off to investigate a noise coming from up in the loft, only to find a mannequin he was once acquainted with. However, Jason is also there,
and three is a crowd. After a small scuffle, Jason slices his throat,
and happens upon the greatest image in horror history; the hockey
mask.
Out on the waves of Crystal Lake,
Chelsea & Nolan are wake-boarding, having quite a time until
Chelsea bites it. Nolan swings back to pick her up, but out of no
where an arrow crashes through his skull in awesome fashion. The boat
ends up blasting Chelsea in the face, and as she regains her senses,
she sees Jason standing on the bank of Crystal Lake, bow in hand, and
a scowl so hard you can see it through his freaking hockey mask. We
never see Jason operate in daylight, and it's awesome. She attempts
to hide underneath the dock, but all that gets her is a machete right
through the top of her skull.
Jenna & Clay keep searching the
cabins, not finding much of anything until Jason finds them. He's
packing around the body of the wood-chip operator, sans head, and
dumps it in order to search Clay's bag, which he foolishly left
behind. Jason tears through it, and attempts to find Clay &
Jenna, only it's a no go, as they've managed to escape. Back at the
cabin, Chewie has broken one of Trent's dad's chairs, and
has to head to the shed in order to fix it. While down there, he runs
into Jason, and does his best to fight him with a screwdriver, only
to have Jason turn it on him and drive it into the bottom of his
skull. Chewie tries to fight it, but really he only makes it worse,
as his pushing against it is just drawing this out, making the death
much more brutal. Jenna & Clay show up at the cabin, and explain
the situation to everyone. I'll give you guys the cliff-notes
version: We're fucked.
Lawrence, being the ultimate man,
refuses to stay inside while his boy Chewie is outside and in
potential danger. He arms himself with a wok and a fire-poker, like
any man would, and heads out. Once he makes it to the shed, he finds Chewie, as well as Jason. His stand-off only lasts a second before he promptly runs. However, Mr. Voorhees hurls an axe that lands square
in the center of Lawrence's back. I mean, even if Lawrence was my
best friend and I saw that, I'd have to yell “HOLY SHIT! Did you
guys see that?! That was FREAKING AWESOME! He was like, half a mile
away, and he NAILED HIM! NAILED HIM!”. Lawrence, although he earned
a ton of man points going out to save his friend, he loses them all
by screaming like a bitch once the axe hits him. See, myself, I would
have been like “What, are you kidding me? That's it? Does someone
have a back scratcher? It feels like I have an itch in the center of
my back. Like a sissy-ass mosquito bit me with his sissiness or
something.”.
Well, the gang call the police, and Jason promptly cuts the power. Everyone, as expected, freaks out. Me, personally, I'd freak out as well. However I'd be freaking out because the WI-FI would be out, and I know, just KNOW that someone would say something like “No, Arnold's daughter in True Lies was Jennifer Love Hewitt” to which I'd yell “DAMMIT! No, it isn't! It's Eliza Dushku”. And they'd say I was wrong, and I'd have no way to prove them wrong, because of the goddamn WI-FI being out, and my head would explode Scanners style.
Jason works his way into the house, and ends up killing Bree with some antlers, then sneaks back out of the house just in time to kill the arriving cop with a fire-poker to the eye. Trent grabs a handgun, and everyone feels it's time to promptly bail. Clay & Jenna head one way, while Trent heads in the other direction. He makes it through a part of the woods, emerging on a road just as a tow-truck speeds by and slams on the breaks. Trent is apprehensive, which ends up costing him, as Jason appears behind him and delivers one of the gnarliest kills of all time. He stabs Trent through his stomach, who I'm sure is thinking that the worst is now behind him, except he's absolutely wrong. Jason picks him up by the freaking blade, and then SAWS IT BACK AND FORTH! Blood and all sorts of things fall to the ground, and Jason STILL isn't done. He then withdraws the machete and sends Trent crashing into the back of the tow-truck, which happens to have some sort of spikes on it, impaling our friend. Just as he does this, the driver finally gets his truck started and halls off, with Trent attached.
Well, the gang call the police, and Jason promptly cuts the power. Everyone, as expected, freaks out. Me, personally, I'd freak out as well. However I'd be freaking out because the WI-FI would be out, and I know, just KNOW that someone would say something like “No, Arnold's daughter in True Lies was Jennifer Love Hewitt” to which I'd yell “DAMMIT! No, it isn't! It's Eliza Dushku”. And they'd say I was wrong, and I'd have no way to prove them wrong, because of the goddamn WI-FI being out, and my head would explode Scanners style.
Jason works his way into the house, and ends up killing Bree with some antlers, then sneaks back out of the house just in time to kill the arriving cop with a fire-poker to the eye. Trent grabs a handgun, and everyone feels it's time to promptly bail. Clay & Jenna head one way, while Trent heads in the other direction. He makes it through a part of the woods, emerging on a road just as a tow-truck speeds by and slams on the breaks. Trent is apprehensive, which ends up costing him, as Jason appears behind him and delivers one of the gnarliest kills of all time. He stabs Trent through his stomach, who I'm sure is thinking that the worst is now behind him, except he's absolutely wrong. Jason picks him up by the freaking blade, and then SAWS IT BACK AND FORTH! Blood and all sorts of things fall to the ground, and Jason STILL isn't done. He then withdraws the machete and sends Trent crashing into the back of the tow-truck, which happens to have some sort of spikes on it, impaling our friend. Just as he does this, the driver finally gets his truck started and halls off, with Trent attached.
Jenna & Clay are moving along when
they discover Jason's home, an underground layer with tunnels all
through-out the camp. In the guest-bedroom sits Whitney, Clay's
sister. Jason's had her captured all this time, due to the fact she
resembles his mother. Now, I've heard people piss & moan saying
“oh, Jason doesn't capture people!”, you know, the same experts
who said “Jason doesn't run”. Look, let's clarify things. ZOMBIE
Jason doesn't run. ZOMBIE Jason doesn't capture people. But human,
mentally unsure Jason? I wouldn't be surprised if he was also working
on restoring a 1979 Ford Pinto. I like the fact he had her captured,
it brought a different dynamic to the film & character. Although,
one does have to wonder, what the hell was he feeding her? And would
you trust him to bring you clean water? I would probably say “Look,
not to be a dick, I'm glad you didn't swap out my brain with the maul
of an axe, but uh...was this ran through a Brita first?”. They
rescue her and make with the escape, but at the last minute Jenna
gets the machete through the stomach, which came as a bit of a
shock. As she was nice, virginal, and had it not been for Whitney
taking the spot, would have survived.
Clay, Whitney, and Jason have their
final showdown in a barn, with Clay being just about useless. He
finally clamps a bear trap on Jason's shoulder which is attached to a
chain, and the end of that chain ends up in a wood-chipper which
Jason is pulled towards. He's able to fight it off until Whitney
drives a machete through his chest, and his head gently rests
against the churning blades, spitting out bone & brain.
Things finally settle down, and do what
any rational person would, wrap the body up and toss it in the
river. No, not immediately call the police. Dump the body in the
river. I absolutely do not get the actions of most victims of Friday
The 13th. Anyway, they absolutely pay for this mistake
when Jason leaps out from underneath the dock and grabs Whitney as the film cuts to black.
Slasher-Movie Tally
Kills: 11
Swear Words: 114
Boobies: 6
Chases: 4
Fake-Out Scares: 2
Car Stalling: 1
Instances of Drugs, Drinking, Sex: All
3
Warned of Doom, But No One Headed: Yes
Top 3 Deaths:
Number 3 - Machete To The Head: I felt this one didn't even need a clever name, because it was so simple in execution [no pun intended] in the first place. There's nothing more basic than a simple blade into someone's head, but this was done with such ferocity, and the the manner in which Jason just kicks the guy back to retract the blade makes it all that much better.
Number 2 - No, You Hold The Screwdriver: Again, a simple on paper idea, but it was the delivery that absolutely made this work. Jason seems to enjoy toying with people in this entry, evident here as he simply plays long with Chewie, slowly letting him know that he has no chance. The blood spurting from the mouth was a simple, but extremely effective finish.
Number 1 - Next Time, Call Triple A: Trent's death is easily number one for me. He's the unbelievable asshole the entire film, and finally gets what's coming to him in the form of a two-part death. From Jason's sea-sawing with the machete after impaling him, to the final act of slamming him down into the spikes of the tow-truck as it drives off into the night. Great stuff.
Things You Need To Know In Order To
Survive:
There's rumor that Michael Bay walked
out of the premier due to the sex scenes. However, this was dispelled
by the writers, as they stated that Michael had seen & approved
every shot of the film.
Scout-Taylor Compton auditioned for the
role of Jenna, but ended up having to settle with just being Michael Meyer's younger sister.
This film was co-produced by New Line &
Paramount, marking the first time that Paramount has been associated
with Friday The 13th since Jason took Manhattan.
The characters of Clay & Whitney
Miller were named after Victor Miller, the writer of the original
Friday The 13th. While Sheriff Bracke, is named so after
Peter Bracke, the bloke who created the masterpiece; Crystal Lake
Memories: The Complete History of Friday The 13th.
The mask for this film was created from
an original mold from part 3, although subtle changes were made to
still give it a fresh appearance.
As of writing it holds two records; the
highest opening weekend for any slasher film, as well as any entry in
the Friday The 13th series.I read that it also has the highest grossing weekend for any horror film ever, but I couldn't find anything to confirm that.
Despite what a lot of people and reviewers thought, from the mouths of the writers themselves; no, Jason was not growing weed.
The character Chelsea was suppose to
have a bloodless, but exceedingly original death. Terrified of Jason,
she'd stay in the water, barely treading water until she tired &
drown. Shannon & Swift thought this would be interesting, as it's
something never before seen in a slasher film. I really wish it would
have remained that way, because besides being original, it's
terrifying. Something keeping you in the water, for hours, until your
body just gives out.
The film was released in more theaters
than any entry before it, beating out Freddy vs Jason by 91 theaters,
and in almost three-times as many theaters as the original.
Box-Office Business:
In classic fashion, Friday The 13th
was released in February, on Friday The 13th, 2009, by
Warner Brothers & New Line Cinemas to 3,105 theaters. It opened
at #1 for the President Day's weekend, earning $40,570,365, with an
average of $13,066 per theater. At the end of it's run, Friday The
13th pulled in a worldwide total of $91,379,051, with
$65,002,019 of that being domestic.
Final Rating:
This movie is an absolute blast, and
one of my favorites out of the entire franchise. I truly can't see
how anyone can complain about it. The writers looked out for the
fanbase, and gave us something new & fresh, while paying tribute
to the formula we all know & pay to see. We had characters that
were fleshed out when they needed to be in order to help anchor the film,
as well as some throw-away ones that we didn't need too badly for any
reason other than to see them get a sweet death. Again, that's
another area in which the film delivered. Jason had a ton of unique
and down right fucking scary kills. From hanging a girl over a fire,
left to cook to death in a sleeping bag, to dragging a guy down into
hell, and sawing another down the middle with a machete. Jason was
more menacing than he had been in years, as a fast, cunning, brutal
force. Far and away doing justice for the unfortunate performance we
got in Freddy vs Jason. In the end, I really can't say enough good
things about this film, as it made me proud to be a Friday fan, and
showed everyone why we'll all keep coming back to Crystal Lake year
after year, forever and ever.
****1/2 Head-Butts Out of 5.
Before we head out, I wanted to say
thanks to Damian Shannon & Mark Swift for their help. They've
been super cool cats while I was writing the entries for FvJ and F13
2009. I bombarded them with a ton of questions and they were always
real quick to answer, and couldn't have been friendlier. I asked them
if there was anything they'd like the fans to know, and they simply
said that they hoped we all enjoyed it, and to those that didn't,
they tried their best to do what they wanted as fans.
Where To Find Caliber:
@CaliberWinfield, caliberw@hotmail.com
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser - An overall website where I write about most things under the sun.
Fat Buff INC - My fitness website.
Facebook - A place where you can find everything I'm currently doing.
@CaliberWinfield, caliberw@hotmail.com
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser - An overall website where I write about most things under the sun.
Fat Buff INC - My fitness website.
Facebook - A place where you can find everything I'm currently doing.
